Luke 5

⁵ Simon answered, “Master, we’ve worked hard all night and haven’t caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets.”

⁶ When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break. ⁷ So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them, and they came and filled both boats so full that they began to sink.

When I read this, this week, the Lord spoke to me regarding the church merges possibility. I heard Him say that when Simon Peter says "Because you say so," that we need to say that about the church merge idea. We don't really understand why, like Peter didn't, but because you say so, I will go along and do what you are suggesting.

And as we are doing as you say by accepting this idea that we don't know if it is your will, that we will blessed beyond what we think will happen. Then Peter goes on to ask for help from his "partners" (other fisherman), and so we are to ask for help from others like us, pastors and churches like he asked for help from like. And when they come to help us, we all will be blessed beyond measure.

As we work together and ask for help, both can be blessed, versus doing everything on their own.

This comes from Michael stating also "I can't do this merge alone, it has to be a team"

Boundaries

I have realized this before but have never really done anything about it. In my life i have done so many things that others expected of me, sometimes being fine with it and other times feeling resentment. I am a people pleaser and I admit it. I am also working on having a healthier attitude about it. I now have dreams and have been able to implement the fact that i am a separate person than anyone. Others will demand or ask things of me and i can say no. Their response is their problem. I have lived too many years not forming a life of my own because i didn't want to rock the boat. What kind of life is that? As i look back there are many things i have done that have been wonderful but other things i have chosen not to do because my life having purpose might interrupt someone else's life. I need to be available all the time for what others want, was my mindset. So i didn't engage myself in other activities because my dreams might cause me to have to say no to something someone else wants me to do. I gave them power over me. That is being co-dependent, right? Walking on egg shells to make others comfortable. Making others uncomfortable because of my goals is not a bad thing, in and of itself. I am not talking about being selfish but have healthy boundaries. I am tired of living my life how others want me to. Yes, of course, i would like to go play doing something fun, but i have a goal to get an A in my class so i have to spend time doing homework, even if it isn't when you want me to do it. It might need to get done when you have time to do something else. And that needs to be okay that I can't do it too. And i might take longer then you think i "should" be taking, so be it. I need supporters not naysayers that say i take too long or it disrupts their desires for my life and when they want me to be available.

Christmas

It has been a great holiday season so far with Thanksgiving weekend. Mal came home Tuesday and it has been fun having her at home. She adds so much life to our household. It seems so dead without her. She brings energy. It is great to see her learning so much and desiring it. It is awesome to see what an amazing young woman she is becoming and how much she loves God. She sees life an an adventure.

We decorated for Christmas yesterday. Christmas music and all. What a fun time.
Kyle is doing Christmas lights today.

Advent starts tomorrow. I look forward to focusing on Christs birth

I had the most amazing 30 minutes in Whiting Ranch today. I saw so many birds, plants i hadn't seen back there before and new plants after the rain and fires. It has changed so much in the last 15 years. Paths we used to ride on are not there, new bridges, fallen trees, more poison oak, and a stream!

I saw a bird i had never seen before and came close to a hawk, from hearing it squawking. There were lots of city noises in the midst of the birds, which was a bummer. I had a busy morning up till 3 and i needed a break in nature. It was so refreshing.

As i was returning to the car, I realized that the trip back looked completely different than the one on the way in. The plants were looked at from a different angle and different ones stood out. Its like life. When we are on a journey going somewhere, we see and feel different things then when we have accomplished them and are now on the journey called life. We see things differently because of what we have experienced. Our view and perspective changes, even how we see ourselves and feel about ourselves. It seems like we are on the same journey but we are just on a similar path with a different set of glasses on

There was a mountain biker entering the park that had never been there before. I was able to show him on the map where bikers go. I should be a park ranger.

Yesterday, i had Citrus Mate and Argentinian cookies with Alejandra. I was helping her with her speech but we had a wonderful time talking and getting to know each other. It was great fun. It felt right

I like being reflective and journaling. I like the time thinking, feeling, processing and writing. I know my paper will always listen to me and not make funny comments or judge my actions, that they aren't good enough or what someone else would do. I get tired of talking about choices i make because a person might make fun of them. If i set a boundary, and say no, this person questions my actions. I am not going to talk about my homework anymore or things i need to do. And people wonder why i don't talk about what i do! I don't know if anyone really cares to listen to me. Sometimes, all i want to do is have someone listen to me for a change. And have the time.

I guess that's one reason i like to be alone. No one to push back and question me impolitely.

A good day

11-16-10

I gave my poem speech today and rec’d the “Best Speaker” award. I actually think this was my first. At Toastmasters, they call me Madame Toastmaster and ask me to make decisions. It is funny and fun. I have liked being President. It has brought about different effects in me. As President, people have treated me differently. I guess, people treat you the way you appear to them but if you appear insecure, they just might follow suit. I am desiring to get my next speech together for early Jan. I want to condense the time between speeches so I learn faster and quicken the learning curve.

My mom asked what Michael was doing in Pasadena, taking a seminar? I said no, a class. She said something like, hasn’t he learned it all? The life of a non learner. She even cut today short to get home to watch Oprah. He life revolves around her TV shows, even if it means leaving the time with her daughter. Lord, help me to continue learning and growing. As I learn more, I talk and carry myself differently. I have noticed that in the last few months. I feel different on the inside. Too bad I didn’t learn this at 20 when you are supposed to be in college.

Oh, there is so much to learn about in life. The world has so much history. I went to Descanso Gardens today with Erika and my mom. So much history there too. I saw an oak tree that was 300 years old. And now I am in the Pasadena Central Library that was built in the early 1900’s. I feel like I am at Harvard studying with the wood everywhere. The chairs, tables, built in wood book cases, and paneling. The study rooms have long tables that seat 6 with 2 lamps on top. Definitely like Dead Poets Society. The chandeliers look original too. This library has separate rooms too. It must have beautiful to come here to learn back in the day, with everyone in their suits and long dresses. The long tables create a space to be near others but in your own little world.

Today, driving to the library, there was a person sitting on the side against a fence. Now I didn’t know if this person wanted food but I thought I would give it anyways. When I honked, he looked up and I kinda threw it to him because the light turned green. I hope he enjoys his dinner. He seemed glad in his face.

I need to get to studying now. Its funny. Mal liked the fact that she could say she snowboarded more then she actually liked to snowboard. That’s how I feel about school and Toastmasters. But in the end, I like what I have learned thru the lab of it all. But the discipline involves intention.

Sometimes I like to blog to empty out my thoughts and mind. I feel like no one would like to listen to this banter about my day.

ESL was great today too. Tuesdays are my favorite day of the week, even though it is hard to get up. Sometimes I love being at home, but other times, I like being out and about, with people. I learn so much and enjoy talking with the students. I love helping them. I like the classroom setting, up front to teach and then one on one reinforcement time. I told Carol today that I would like to teach some if she is interested. The students are feeling more comfortable to call me over to help them. Its joyful to me.

Mix up day

11-20-10

Today. Many things that happened took longer then expected or had a glitch. Within the first hour, I hurt myself in little ways about 10 times, stepping on things or things falling on my head. I cleaned fo r3 hours, before I spent time with Michael and showered.Then I went to Target to make some returns, that went smooth, went to Walmart to return some scissors and had some money left over from the scissors and a pump to buy a Josh Groban CD. Some things that look inconvenient can have a blessing. I went to park at Ralphs and realized I forgot some things at home that I was going to return at Ralphs. Yes, how ever odd it sounds, returns at Ralphs. So I backed out of the spot and headed home to get them. That part went smooth. As I walked in our neighbor boy was in front of Ralphs collecting food for the local food pantry. I had over spent on groceries, and here he is asking me to donate. I told him I would bring it to him later. I would get some out of my cabinet at home and bring it across the street. What a blessing to run into him doing that. So I get home, collect my goodies and stick them in the car to be delivered later. Then…..I realize that I forgot to get some milk for my pies that I am making for Olive Crest. So….back to Ralphs for the 3^rd time. Michael then asked me to make a deposit and ck the box at Post N Ship. Okay! Sigh. Deposit goes well and I then park in front of Post N Ship. Well, the sidewalk was flooded all the ways to Ralphs and it was pouring. So I head to Ralphs, give the donation bag to our neighbor and run in to get the milk. At least I thought thru to have the bag in the car. My shoes and pants are soaked. I get home, sit at my desk and realize that on my calendar, it says I am doing communion tomorrow. I better figure out what I am going to say. I did want more opportunities to speak, so I need to get busy. I find a few options and realize I can do that later and I’m not in the right mindset, have I been at all today anyways? I go inside and open the frozen crust, and one is folded over so I have to wait till it thaws to pour the pumpkin mixture into it. Waiting…..Oh yeah, this morning, I went to make the rolls for Olive Crest and the recipe said that all ingredients need to be room temperature. Wait…….I want to get to the library to write and I have to wait till the pies are done. I will cook the rolls later. They need to rise longer anyways. The pies are done! I head out quick to the library since trying to change my Zion reservation was taking more brains and time then I had at the moment. Michael says, doesn’t the library close early on Saturdays? Do you want me to ck? No….I am anxious to get out of the house to focus….feel busy in the head. I stop and get a coffee. Yeh, they have decaf, not getting caf again! Then the library says they close at 5 and it is 4 and they don’t allow food or drinks. I put my coffee in my backpack, hoping it doesn’t spill. I find a good spot to sit, get everything out of my backpack and what I thought was a plug, wasn’t. So I throw it all in, put my coffee back in the cup holder in my backpack and the lid isn’t on all the way, and some spills on the seat. So that’s why they say no drinks. I go ck out the quiet room, wooo, can’t go in there, stuffy and no windows. Still trying to not spill my coffee or my books in my backpack I find another seat near a window and open the blinds. Ahh!! Now I have 45 minutes and after writing this, 30. I guess I will head back to Limelight after this, it seemed quieter then a Starbucks. I guess I will take a sip of my coffee I have hiding next to my chair now. Taking another day in stride.

Intention and Discipline

11-15-10

Intention, Discipline. I have been here for 1 hours, trying to switch gears to write and start my assignments. I feel that I have to empty my brain. I read scripture, thought thru my life. Maybe I am to reflective and proactive. I bites me in the butt sometimes. I guess you could say that I struggle with focus. I have music on the soften the noise of talking around me, in this packed room. I am staying here till I get a lot accomplished.

I feel that it is hard to be disciplined in school work. I like to do detail work, lots of little assignments versus a few big ones. Maybe I should just break it down into small pieces to trick my brain! I started with a list to see what is ahead of me. Today needs to be the day. Balance and to be present. What a struggle. I love to learn new things and that’s why I am here, discipline in life and proactivity and intention is another story. I guess that’s where my compass comes in. I get done what I set out to do, when I set out to do it. What a privilege that is. I just need to not dilly dally. I need to make many right decisions over and over or else something in my schedule doesn’t get done, sometimes house work or family. I haven’t had to learn discipline from many places that come from other places than in my own head and agenda. School and Toastmasters has been a tester of that.

Teachers need to set us straight. Someone next to me wants to get his Rough Draft proofread but he turned in his final draft already. Time management and organization is an important element of life. We need someone to get us on the right track. The teacher wouldn’t do proofread it.

As I sit here, getting ready to write and be inspired, I realized that staying in it on a regular basis keeps things fresh in our minds. Our minds easily get distracted and needs reminding. Blogging daily would help or reading daily. Keeps our minds active.

I am in school because I have chosen to be. God give me wisdom in decision making for my life. Michael is gracious to not have me work right now. I can’t believe it has been 15 months. I wish growth was faster. I guess it can be if things are condensed into less time. Help me to tighten things up a bit. Having a clear focus helps, because then you can narrow things down easier and get somewhere faster. Like today, when I was walking with Barb at Peters Canyon, we didn’t have a map and didn’t know the best way back to the car. So we took the long way, took a scenic route, and hit a dead end. A clear map of our journey with destinations would have helped us get to the goal faster. It can be an analogy of life, that life can be harder and more time consuming then needed because we didn’t have a road map or even a clear destination. God, give me a clear mind to what direction you want me to go. I have done some amazing things, but will you give me a clear goal to reach? I believe you work through all things I do, but it would be nice to have a clear focus.

I am feeling so many things, that make my heart leap. Cultures, learning about people, ESL, connecting people, helping others experience new things, learning new things in general, I enjoy being with people more, being honest about myself, being around people that like to learn, being around children in small groups, nature, reflection, silence, being at IVC and Toastmasters, speaking, serving, hospitality, talking about my walk with Christ with others, meeting new people, eating well, exercising outside, movie soundtracks, good movies, going fun places with the family, or kids one on one, having happy hour with others, creating a space for others to relax and be together, connecting like minded people, serving in such a way that I don’t have myself on the radar, details, doing lots of little jobs, yardwork outside, lying in the hammock, tedious jobs, doing the mundane over and over, having little kids over, making meals for people, cooking, reading, laying in the pool on a raft, relaxing at the beach, reflecting, hanging out with toddlers, reading to toddlers, learning to be expressive.

I have a reading to do at Toastmasters tomorrow and papers to write. So long for now.