Dates with Tahini-no its not date night!

Today was my second day teaching ESL adults about Financial Literacy thru the library. I wasn't sure how the class would go, or exactly what i would teach, but it went awesome. I felt like staying home but of course i had to go. One of the students from Iran, brought in some Ardeh va Khorma. They were absolutely delicious. It was so sweet to have him bring them. I guess on the class break last week, the students talked amongst themselves and decided to bring food sometimes from their country. I approved of course. They are such a teachable, thankful bunch, willing to learn what i have to say.

Thank you God for this opportunity to be blessed by them. I love helping ESL students and I love learning about their lives. I especially like helping them function in our society, that is probably very different from the one they are used to.

What really blessed me tonight, was when the Iranian gentleman said to me at the end of class, "In my religion, teachers are highly respected and appreciated. Even more then family and parents." (paraphrase) He then said something like, "You are appreciated and important in my life. Please bring home the leftovers and give them to your family and husband." Wow, what an honor i was bestowed. What a gentle and thankful man he is. I am thankful to have him in my class. My students teach me more about life then i teach them about how finances work in America.

Now what am i going to teach next week? :) The Lord will let me know

Abstinence

On Dec 29, 2010, I started abstaining from food. I realized that being nice to myself was not allowing me to "get healthy." So i decided to abstain from flour and sugar for 2 months, or i needed to give Michael $10 for each time i ate something. I did it once. But i thought i could get away with it before i decided to be honest with myself. I lost 12 lbs. Oh, yeah, and i was counting calories and keeping it below 1200 most of the time.

Now, for March, we are on a 21 day detox. No proteins other then detox shake powder for 3 days, then add protein. michael is going to, but i am not yet. I am okay without it. I don't miss it. what i miss is dairy. I like cheese, yogurt, cottage cheese, ice cream, milk.

I am learning that we here in america, can have whatever we want, whenever we want it, for the most part. For some reason, we think that is the answer to happiness, but it has a way of wrecking the soul. We learn richness from abstaining. Backwards thinking. It has been hard at times to not eat junk, but i feel worse eating it learn more about myself from choosing not to. I am also not on FB for Lent. I am realizing that i think about having something to eat or going on FB when i am bored or don't feel like doing what i need to do. It has been freeing to not go on it and relax or waste time. The only thing i can do is look at my to do list and do the next thing.

I have realized that i enjoy time at home. I enjoy cooking for the family healthy foods and helping them. For a while, i was doing so much outside the home, that i let that slide, thinking it wasn't such a big deal. But it is. It creates our family time and help everyone to eat well. Things go smoother when i take care of what needs to be done in the kitchen. And i like to cook new recipes. Today i made pickled carrots, spinach and cauliflower soup and roasted mixed vegetables. Yum. The veges looks so pretty on the plate.

Thankful

Being productive today, actually allowed for some space in my schedule. That was a new feeling. Not that i finished my to do list, but the urgent things were completed. Nothing was needing to be done today. There is always something to do but it could be done this week. I have been working hard lately at being productive and not getting stuck in busy work. My to do list has been more specific. It has been nice to feel like i completed the important stuff. I was getting tired of having things that needed to be done hanging over me. It was stifling my creativity and productivity. Always feeling that i should be doing something else.

In my time with the Lord today, I was reminded to spend more time with Him but also to do something that can't be done in my abilities. Then, I am truly trusting. What would He want me to do? Stepping out when I don't see the next step but trusting He will be there. I don't really want to do where is isn't, anyways. That was a prayer of mine when i went to Ecuador for the first time. If he wasn't going to be there with me, stop me from going. It is so easy to go about life and do what we want but also to do it in our ability. I have learned that doing it without Him, has little or no eternal fruit. Everything i do and have is from Him. I could not have all that i have or have done, without Him. Nothing in me could have created something so wonderful.

I have been very thankful lately. I don't know if it is because I am older, but i see now all the blessings i have been given in my life time. My husband, my Lord, my children, my home, cars, food, health, family, friends, personal growth, travel, experiences, school, my desire to learn and grow, my mom, material blessings, etc, etc. Considering the broken person i was when i got married, it really wasn't because of anything i did. Yeah, i probably made some good choices along the way, but it was God's grace. Our nature is not to do good, we mess up and sometimes don't even know it. We get blinded and God loves me so much, that he doesn't want to allow me to continue in sin so he saves me. Thanks be to God and Him alone. I am thankful for my wonderful husband, he as anyone, will fail me but i love him along the way. I am thankful for his commitment to our marriage and our life together. I pray my children find someone committed to them, teachable and forgiving.

As i look at my pics on my wall above my desk, i realize that 13 of them are from Ecuador. I hope to go back soon, maybe this summer, Lord? :) It would be awesome to stay a few weeks at the orphanage. You have made each trip an amazing journey and tested my faith in provision. Maybe it will be like the thot from my time with you this morning, plan on doing something that only could happen if God made it happen. That would truly be you. As i looked at my dream board as well, i saw a book. To author a book would be only done with your hand. Create in me what and who you want me to be in order for that to happen. I will keep taking steps, Lord, help me to take steps large enough that cause me to trust and that move things along.

I seem to procrastinate the big projects that i need to do. Help me to think about them and move on them. They are like a big elephant in the middle of the room, needing to be eaten one bite at a time, instead of ignored.

Cornucopia

I have been encouraged to blog more. Well, here I go. I look forward to what will come out from my brain to my finger tips.

I am watching the Grimes kids today and tonight, till the morning. From the mouth of babes! Becca asked me how old i was, Maddie said that wasn't a polite thing to ask, when i told them, Becca said i looked 30!

Sometimes i listen to myself speak to someone, and when i am done, i wonder "who was that?" I am thankful for the things i have learned and experienced over the last 5 years. It has allowed me to be more confident and feel like i can contribute intellectually. I remember, when i first learned about Christ, I felt that i had been on a raft, floating down a river, floating to the current, just looking at the scenery. I had very little part in the life i was leading. I guess I did, because i lived on my own, but not many clear dreams, direction, or confidence. I had very little critical thinking skills, but a fine sense of common sense and morals. They had kept me straight.

I feel that i have been remaking myself the last 5 years. I am in a class this semester with 99% 19 year olds. We were discussing their education system and it was very enlightening. If only I had had that much knowledge and self awareness when i was their age. And if i had had their education and a post HS education, my life would have been sooo different. But, i am to take what i have and make the most of it. It is never too late. And i have a big "bucket list" on my Dream Board. I have many more years ahead of me to plan for. I look forward to the ministry i will have an opportunity to take part in in the years ahead. I am so highly grateful for the ministry i have had already in the last 5 years. Its mind boggling and seems to unbelievable. Ecuador 5 times (fully sponsored), seeing our sponsored daughter a handful of times, having an influence on the kids lives that i nannied, taking college courses, being President at Toastmasters, helping at ESL and teaching, meeting with women, getting asked to speak at a retreat with Michael, starting a hiking club, having the opportunity to care for our friends kids, time home to cook, days together with Michael, plugging people into ministry, time with Mal and Kyle, time to attend Souleader events, having groups for dinner, Mammoth, etc, etc.

I realized that without having had the lessons these last few years, i would not have had the framework to do what i am doing. Thank you God for the shaping you have allowed. I am your clay, you are the Potter. I know that as I keep plugging away at things i enjoy doing, you are in the process of creating a job for me out there. I hope it is this year. I know that as i learn and meet people, you are making me more like yourself and more of what you want of me. I know you have a plan for my life, i am to just keep moving.

I have made a commitment to have no white flour or sugar for the months of Jan and Feb. It has been difficult in some aspects and easy in others. I am glad for this commitment today, since i am at a friends house with tons of sugar items i would be eating. I feel so much better and more alert without the complex carbs. It has been 2 weeks and i haven't lost much weight, but it keeps steady. I am thankful for the 7 lbs i HAVE lost. I am moving more outside, since we live in such a beautiful place to exercise. i rollerbladed yesterday and hiked today. It is all about calorie take in. 1000 calories is hard to stick to. I realized that food had too much power over me and when that happened i felt conflicted. I knew i needed a consequence that hurt somewhat or i would allow myself hidden snacks, and continue the cycle i had been in. I needed to practice the discipline of abstinence, or self-denial (Willard). How often do we deny ourselves of anything? We all want instant gratification in every area of our lives. We might not know how to say no to anything, good or bad. Christ said to go without a bag but we are going out with everything. I think of the kids book that i haven't thought about in years. A raccoon was learning from a wise lion, no, no Aslan, but the lion asked the raccoon to come follow him and not bring anything but he brought everything but the kitchen sink and it distracted him on his journey. He was to trust that he didnt' need anything. What are you denying yourself of?

I loved listening to Maddie and Becca talk today. Kids are fun to listen to. They imagine, dream, worry, love, desire, etc. So many feelings in one day. Oh, to be able to let the mind do all those things with little to actually worry about. The joys of seeing a dog, feeding a horse carrots, loving a little brother, jumping on beds, watching cartoons for hours, staying up late, nature walks, helping with dinner.

Someone said to me this week, "I want your life, being able to plan your day the way you want to." Well, my kids are grown, she still has young ones. The days come when you don't have little ones. Then you have to grieve the loss of the fact that they are no longer little, but that they are wonderful adults and need to adjust to a new normal. Is it like, we all have to put in our dues of raising them and then we have some sense of time to ourselves? I feel that i put a very little amt of time into self development over the years, till recently, because my greatest joy was bringing up my kids and building into them. They were my students and I was to learn as much about them as i could, being a student of them. The life i have now has been in the making. We can't wish for someone else's life. We need to use that energy to create the life that God wants for us and do things that are life giving and things that get us up in the morning. Every life has its downers too, its not always greener. I believe it is a privilege to be able to create my day, i dont' take it for granted. I am thankful for a time when i can grow myself and create my reality.

My greatest joy and the only dream i had growing up, was to be a wife and mom. (And i wanted to be a sign language interpreter like my aunt). I had very few women in my life growing up that had jobs. So that was not my paradigm. I am fortunate to have married a man that is responsible and is a family man. Some women are not so fortunate. You think you have made a wise decision and sometimes, calamity just strikes. I loved being a mom, from the moment of conception. There was nothing i wanted more. I poured myself into it, reading books, magazines, etc. I read when i was feeding my children and sang hymns at the middle of the night feedings. I wanted to be a great mom, teaching and giving my kids wonderful experiences. And when possible, giving their friends fun times. Like, taking them to MV Lake, the beach, Laguna Playhouse to see "Little Women", the beach, starting a play group, and doing daycare.

Yesterday i was at the beach. I was reminiscing of the times when i was at the beach with my mom or other family members. My mom took us to Santa Monica/Will Rogers regularly. I went with Linda sometimes. And we had our trailer set up at a trailer park at Seal Beach. We went there alot too. As i was sitting at the beach, i just felt that this was my element. I kinda grew up near the beach, with out living there. We went to Carpinteria, Refugio, Emma Wood in Ventura, and even the beach on the East Coast and Newfoundland to Key West. I wish i had more pics of me at the beach as a kid. I am thankful too that Michael has come to love the beach too. But being there, just feels right. I remember too, when i was in HS, there was a young girl next door, and we would hop in my Volkswagon Fastback and head to Santa Monica beach for the day. My car barely made it over the hill into Los Angeles. I remember having the gas pedal all the way down and maybe going 50-60. i definitely stayed in the slow lane. I loved talking the twins to the beach and my kids growing up. Kyle skimboarding, running on the beach, long walks with Michael, beach hunting, sand castle building, shell collecting, Summer swimming and jumping the waves. Oh...when is my next time to the ocean? Maybe Friday.

Luke 5

⁵ Simon answered, “Master, we’ve worked hard all night and haven’t caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets.”

⁶ When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break. ⁷ So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them, and they came and filled both boats so full that they began to sink.

When I read this, this week, the Lord spoke to me regarding the church merges possibility. I heard Him say that when Simon Peter says "Because you say so," that we need to say that about the church merge idea. We don't really understand why, like Peter didn't, but because you say so, I will go along and do what you are suggesting.

And as we are doing as you say by accepting this idea that we don't know if it is your will, that we will blessed beyond what we think will happen. Then Peter goes on to ask for help from his "partners" (other fisherman), and so we are to ask for help from others like us, pastors and churches like he asked for help from like. And when they come to help us, we all will be blessed beyond measure.

As we work together and ask for help, both can be blessed, versus doing everything on their own.

This comes from Michael stating also "I can't do this merge alone, it has to be a team"

Boundaries

I have realized this before but have never really done anything about it. In my life i have done so many things that others expected of me, sometimes being fine with it and other times feeling resentment. I am a people pleaser and I admit it. I am also working on having a healthier attitude about it. I now have dreams and have been able to implement the fact that i am a separate person than anyone. Others will demand or ask things of me and i can say no. Their response is their problem. I have lived too many years not forming a life of my own because i didn't want to rock the boat. What kind of life is that? As i look back there are many things i have done that have been wonderful but other things i have chosen not to do because my life having purpose might interrupt someone else's life. I need to be available all the time for what others want, was my mindset. So i didn't engage myself in other activities because my dreams might cause me to have to say no to something someone else wants me to do. I gave them power over me. That is being co-dependent, right? Walking on egg shells to make others comfortable. Making others uncomfortable because of my goals is not a bad thing, in and of itself. I am not talking about being selfish but have healthy boundaries. I am tired of living my life how others want me to. Yes, of course, i would like to go play doing something fun, but i have a goal to get an A in my class so i have to spend time doing homework, even if it isn't when you want me to do it. It might need to get done when you have time to do something else. And that needs to be okay that I can't do it too. And i might take longer then you think i "should" be taking, so be it. I need supporters not naysayers that say i take too long or it disrupts their desires for my life and when they want me to be available.

Christmas

It has been a great holiday season so far with Thanksgiving weekend. Mal came home Tuesday and it has been fun having her at home. She adds so much life to our household. It seems so dead without her. She brings energy. It is great to see her learning so much and desiring it. It is awesome to see what an amazing young woman she is becoming and how much she loves God. She sees life an an adventure.

We decorated for Christmas yesterday. Christmas music and all. What a fun time.
Kyle is doing Christmas lights today.

Advent starts tomorrow. I look forward to focusing on Christs birth