I am watching the Grimes kids today and tonight, till the morning. From the mouth of babes! Becca asked me how old i was, Maddie said that wasn't a polite thing to ask, when i told them, Becca said i looked 30!
Sometimes i listen to myself speak to someone, and when i am done, i wonder "who was that?" I am thankful for the things i have learned and experienced over the last 5 years. It has allowed me to be more confident and feel like i can contribute intellectually. I remember, when i first learned about Christ, I felt that i had been on a raft, floating down a river, floating to the current, just looking at the scenery. I had very little part in the life i was leading. I guess I did, because i lived on my own, but not many clear dreams, direction, or confidence. I had very little critical thinking skills, but a fine sense of common sense and morals. They had kept me straight.
I feel that i have been remaking myself the last 5 years. I am in a class this semester with 99% 19 year olds. We were discussing their education system and it was very enlightening. If only I had had that much knowledge and self awareness when i was their age. And if i had had their education and a post HS education, my life would have been sooo different. But, i am to take what i have and make the most of it. It is never too late. And i have a big "bucket list" on my Dream Board. I have many more years ahead of me to plan for. I look forward to the ministry i will have an opportunity to take part in in the years ahead. I am so highly grateful for the ministry i have had already in the last 5 years. Its mind boggling and seems to unbelievable. Ecuador 5 times (fully sponsored), seeing our sponsored daughter a handful of times, having an influence on the kids lives that i nannied, taking college courses, being President at Toastmasters, helping at ESL and teaching, meeting with women, getting asked to speak at a retreat with Michael, starting a hiking club, having the opportunity to care for our friends kids, time home to cook, days together with Michael, plugging people into ministry, time with Mal and Kyle, time to attend Souleader events, having groups for dinner, Mammoth, etc, etc.
I realized that without having had the lessons these last few years, i would not have had the framework to do what i am doing. Thank you God for the shaping you have allowed. I am your clay, you are the Potter. I know that as I keep plugging away at things i enjoy doing, you are in the process of creating a job for me out there. I hope it is this year. I know that as i learn and meet people, you are making me more like yourself and more of what you want of me. I know you have a plan for my life, i am to just keep moving.
I have made a commitment to have no white flour or sugar for the months of Jan and Feb. It has been difficult in some aspects and easy in others. I am glad for this commitment today, since i am at a friends house with tons of sugar items i would be eating. I feel so much better and more alert without the complex carbs. It has been 2 weeks and i haven't lost much weight, but it keeps steady. I am thankful for the 7 lbs i HAVE lost. I am moving more outside, since we live in such a beautiful place to exercise. i rollerbladed yesterday and hiked today. It is all about calorie take in. 1000 calories is hard to stick to. I realized that food had too much power over me and when that happened i felt conflicted. I knew i needed a consequence that hurt somewhat or i would allow myself hidden snacks, and continue the cycle i had been in. I needed to practice the discipline of abstinence, or self-denial (Willard). How often do we deny ourselves of anything? We all want instant gratification in every area of our lives. We might not know how to say no to anything, good or bad. Christ said to go without a bag but we are going out with everything. I think of the kids book that i haven't thought about in years. A raccoon was learning from a wise lion, no, no Aslan, but the lion asked the raccoon to come follow him and not bring anything but he brought everything but the kitchen sink and it distracted him on his journey. He was to trust that he didnt' need anything. What are you denying yourself of?
I loved listening to Maddie and Becca talk today. Kids are fun to listen to. They imagine, dream, worry, love, desire, etc. So many feelings in one day. Oh, to be able to let the mind do all those things with little to actually worry about. The joys of seeing a dog, feeding a horse carrots, loving a little brother, jumping on beds, watching cartoons for hours, staying up late, nature walks, helping with dinner.
Someone said to me this week, "I want your life, being able to plan your day the way you want to." Well, my kids are grown, she still has young ones. The days come when you don't have little ones. Then you have to grieve the loss of the fact that they are no longer little, but that they are wonderful adults and need to adjust to a new normal. Is it like, we all have to put in our dues of raising them and then we have some sense of time to ourselves? I feel that i put a very little amt of time into self development over the years, till recently, because my greatest joy was bringing up my kids and building into them. They were my students and I was to learn as much about them as i could, being a student of them. The life i have now has been in the making. We can't wish for someone else's life. We need to use that energy to create the life that God wants for us and do things that are life giving and things that get us up in the morning. Every life has its downers too, its not always greener. I believe it is a privilege to be able to create my day, i dont' take it for granted. I am thankful for a time when i can grow myself and create my reality.
My greatest joy and the only dream i had growing up, was to be a wife and mom. (And i wanted to be a sign language interpreter like my aunt). I had very few women in my life growing up that had jobs. So that was not my paradigm. I am fortunate to have married a man that is responsible and is a family man. Some women are not so fortunate. You think you have made a wise decision and sometimes, calamity just strikes. I loved being a mom, from the moment of conception. There was nothing i wanted more. I poured myself into it, reading books, magazines, etc. I read when i was feeding my children and sang hymns at the middle of the night feedings. I wanted to be a great mom, teaching and giving my kids wonderful experiences. And when possible, giving their friends fun times. Like, taking them to MV Lake, the beach, Laguna Playhouse to see "Little Women", the beach, starting a play group, and doing daycare.
Yesterday i was at the beach. I was reminiscing of the times when i was at the beach with my mom or other family members. My mom took us to Santa Monica/Will Rogers regularly. I went with Linda sometimes. And we had our trailer set up at a trailer park at Seal Beach. We went there alot too. As i was sitting at the beach, i just felt that this was my element. I kinda grew up near the beach, with out living there. We went to Carpinteria, Refugio, Emma Wood in Ventura, and even the beach on the East Coast and Newfoundland to Key West. I wish i had more pics of me at the beach as a kid. I am thankful too that Michael has come to love the beach too. But being there, just feels right. I remember too, when i was in HS, there was a young girl next door, and we would hop in my Volkswagon Fastback and head to Santa Monica beach for the day. My car barely made it over the hill into Los Angeles. I remember having the gas pedal all the way down and maybe going 50-60. i definitely stayed in the slow lane. I loved talking the twins to the beach and my kids growing up. Kyle skimboarding, running on the beach, long walks with Michael, beach hunting, sand castle building, shell collecting, Summer swimming and jumping the waves. Oh...when is my next time to the ocean? Maybe Friday.
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