Luke 5

⁵ Simon answered, “Master, we’ve worked hard all night and haven’t caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets.”

⁶ When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break. ⁷ So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them, and they came and filled both boats so full that they began to sink.

When I read this, this week, the Lord spoke to me regarding the church merges possibility. I heard Him say that when Simon Peter says "Because you say so," that we need to say that about the church merge idea. We don't really understand why, like Peter didn't, but because you say so, I will go along and do what you are suggesting.

And as we are doing as you say by accepting this idea that we don't know if it is your will, that we will blessed beyond what we think will happen. Then Peter goes on to ask for help from his "partners" (other fisherman), and so we are to ask for help from others like us, pastors and churches like he asked for help from like. And when they come to help us, we all will be blessed beyond measure.

As we work together and ask for help, both can be blessed, versus doing everything on their own.

This comes from Michael stating also "I can't do this merge alone, it has to be a team"

Boundaries

I have realized this before but have never really done anything about it. In my life i have done so many things that others expected of me, sometimes being fine with it and other times feeling resentment. I am a people pleaser and I admit it. I am also working on having a healthier attitude about it. I now have dreams and have been able to implement the fact that i am a separate person than anyone. Others will demand or ask things of me and i can say no. Their response is their problem. I have lived too many years not forming a life of my own because i didn't want to rock the boat. What kind of life is that? As i look back there are many things i have done that have been wonderful but other things i have chosen not to do because my life having purpose might interrupt someone else's life. I need to be available all the time for what others want, was my mindset. So i didn't engage myself in other activities because my dreams might cause me to have to say no to something someone else wants me to do. I gave them power over me. That is being co-dependent, right? Walking on egg shells to make others comfortable. Making others uncomfortable because of my goals is not a bad thing, in and of itself. I am not talking about being selfish but have healthy boundaries. I am tired of living my life how others want me to. Yes, of course, i would like to go play doing something fun, but i have a goal to get an A in my class so i have to spend time doing homework, even if it isn't when you want me to do it. It might need to get done when you have time to do something else. And that needs to be okay that I can't do it too. And i might take longer then you think i "should" be taking, so be it. I need supporters not naysayers that say i take too long or it disrupts their desires for my life and when they want me to be available.

Christmas

It has been a great holiday season so far with Thanksgiving weekend. Mal came home Tuesday and it has been fun having her at home. She adds so much life to our household. It seems so dead without her. She brings energy. It is great to see her learning so much and desiring it. It is awesome to see what an amazing young woman she is becoming and how much she loves God. She sees life an an adventure.

We decorated for Christmas yesterday. Christmas music and all. What a fun time.
Kyle is doing Christmas lights today.

Advent starts tomorrow. I look forward to focusing on Christs birth

I had the most amazing 30 minutes in Whiting Ranch today. I saw so many birds, plants i hadn't seen back there before and new plants after the rain and fires. It has changed so much in the last 15 years. Paths we used to ride on are not there, new bridges, fallen trees, more poison oak, and a stream!

I saw a bird i had never seen before and came close to a hawk, from hearing it squawking. There were lots of city noises in the midst of the birds, which was a bummer. I had a busy morning up till 3 and i needed a break in nature. It was so refreshing.

As i was returning to the car, I realized that the trip back looked completely different than the one on the way in. The plants were looked at from a different angle and different ones stood out. Its like life. When we are on a journey going somewhere, we see and feel different things then when we have accomplished them and are now on the journey called life. We see things differently because of what we have experienced. Our view and perspective changes, even how we see ourselves and feel about ourselves. It seems like we are on the same journey but we are just on a similar path with a different set of glasses on

There was a mountain biker entering the park that had never been there before. I was able to show him on the map where bikers go. I should be a park ranger.

Yesterday, i had Citrus Mate and Argentinian cookies with Alejandra. I was helping her with her speech but we had a wonderful time talking and getting to know each other. It was great fun. It felt right

I like being reflective and journaling. I like the time thinking, feeling, processing and writing. I know my paper will always listen to me and not make funny comments or judge my actions, that they aren't good enough or what someone else would do. I get tired of talking about choices i make because a person might make fun of them. If i set a boundary, and say no, this person questions my actions. I am not going to talk about my homework anymore or things i need to do. And people wonder why i don't talk about what i do! I don't know if anyone really cares to listen to me. Sometimes, all i want to do is have someone listen to me for a change. And have the time.

I guess that's one reason i like to be alone. No one to push back and question me impolitely.

A good day

11-16-10

I gave my poem speech today and rec’d the “Best Speaker” award. I actually think this was my first. At Toastmasters, they call me Madame Toastmaster and ask me to make decisions. It is funny and fun. I have liked being President. It has brought about different effects in me. As President, people have treated me differently. I guess, people treat you the way you appear to them but if you appear insecure, they just might follow suit. I am desiring to get my next speech together for early Jan. I want to condense the time between speeches so I learn faster and quicken the learning curve.

My mom asked what Michael was doing in Pasadena, taking a seminar? I said no, a class. She said something like, hasn’t he learned it all? The life of a non learner. She even cut today short to get home to watch Oprah. He life revolves around her TV shows, even if it means leaving the time with her daughter. Lord, help me to continue learning and growing. As I learn more, I talk and carry myself differently. I have noticed that in the last few months. I feel different on the inside. Too bad I didn’t learn this at 20 when you are supposed to be in college.

Oh, there is so much to learn about in life. The world has so much history. I went to Descanso Gardens today with Erika and my mom. So much history there too. I saw an oak tree that was 300 years old. And now I am in the Pasadena Central Library that was built in the early 1900’s. I feel like I am at Harvard studying with the wood everywhere. The chairs, tables, built in wood book cases, and paneling. The study rooms have long tables that seat 6 with 2 lamps on top. Definitely like Dead Poets Society. The chandeliers look original too. This library has separate rooms too. It must have beautiful to come here to learn back in the day, with everyone in their suits and long dresses. The long tables create a space to be near others but in your own little world.

Today, driving to the library, there was a person sitting on the side against a fence. Now I didn’t know if this person wanted food but I thought I would give it anyways. When I honked, he looked up and I kinda threw it to him because the light turned green. I hope he enjoys his dinner. He seemed glad in his face.

I need to get to studying now. Its funny. Mal liked the fact that she could say she snowboarded more then she actually liked to snowboard. That’s how I feel about school and Toastmasters. But in the end, I like what I have learned thru the lab of it all. But the discipline involves intention.

Sometimes I like to blog to empty out my thoughts and mind. I feel like no one would like to listen to this banter about my day.

ESL was great today too. Tuesdays are my favorite day of the week, even though it is hard to get up. Sometimes I love being at home, but other times, I like being out and about, with people. I learn so much and enjoy talking with the students. I love helping them. I like the classroom setting, up front to teach and then one on one reinforcement time. I told Carol today that I would like to teach some if she is interested. The students are feeling more comfortable to call me over to help them. Its joyful to me.

Mix up day

11-20-10

Today. Many things that happened took longer then expected or had a glitch. Within the first hour, I hurt myself in little ways about 10 times, stepping on things or things falling on my head. I cleaned fo r3 hours, before I spent time with Michael and showered.Then I went to Target to make some returns, that went smooth, went to Walmart to return some scissors and had some money left over from the scissors and a pump to buy a Josh Groban CD. Some things that look inconvenient can have a blessing. I went to park at Ralphs and realized I forgot some things at home that I was going to return at Ralphs. Yes, how ever odd it sounds, returns at Ralphs. So I backed out of the spot and headed home to get them. That part went smooth. As I walked in our neighbor boy was in front of Ralphs collecting food for the local food pantry. I had over spent on groceries, and here he is asking me to donate. I told him I would bring it to him later. I would get some out of my cabinet at home and bring it across the street. What a blessing to run into him doing that. So I get home, collect my goodies and stick them in the car to be delivered later. Then…..I realize that I forgot to get some milk for my pies that I am making for Olive Crest. So….back to Ralphs for the 3^rd time. Michael then asked me to make a deposit and ck the box at Post N Ship. Okay! Sigh. Deposit goes well and I then park in front of Post N Ship. Well, the sidewalk was flooded all the ways to Ralphs and it was pouring. So I head to Ralphs, give the donation bag to our neighbor and run in to get the milk. At least I thought thru to have the bag in the car. My shoes and pants are soaked. I get home, sit at my desk and realize that on my calendar, it says I am doing communion tomorrow. I better figure out what I am going to say. I did want more opportunities to speak, so I need to get busy. I find a few options and realize I can do that later and I’m not in the right mindset, have I been at all today anyways? I go inside and open the frozen crust, and one is folded over so I have to wait till it thaws to pour the pumpkin mixture into it. Waiting…..Oh yeah, this morning, I went to make the rolls for Olive Crest and the recipe said that all ingredients need to be room temperature. Wait…….I want to get to the library to write and I have to wait till the pies are done. I will cook the rolls later. They need to rise longer anyways. The pies are done! I head out quick to the library since trying to change my Zion reservation was taking more brains and time then I had at the moment. Michael says, doesn’t the library close early on Saturdays? Do you want me to ck? No….I am anxious to get out of the house to focus….feel busy in the head. I stop and get a coffee. Yeh, they have decaf, not getting caf again! Then the library says they close at 5 and it is 4 and they don’t allow food or drinks. I put my coffee in my backpack, hoping it doesn’t spill. I find a good spot to sit, get everything out of my backpack and what I thought was a plug, wasn’t. So I throw it all in, put my coffee back in the cup holder in my backpack and the lid isn’t on all the way, and some spills on the seat. So that’s why they say no drinks. I go ck out the quiet room, wooo, can’t go in there, stuffy and no windows. Still trying to not spill my coffee or my books in my backpack I find another seat near a window and open the blinds. Ahh!! Now I have 45 minutes and after writing this, 30. I guess I will head back to Limelight after this, it seemed quieter then a Starbucks. I guess I will take a sip of my coffee I have hiding next to my chair now. Taking another day in stride.

Intention and Discipline

11-15-10

Intention, Discipline. I have been here for 1 hours, trying to switch gears to write and start my assignments. I feel that I have to empty my brain. I read scripture, thought thru my life. Maybe I am to reflective and proactive. I bites me in the butt sometimes. I guess you could say that I struggle with focus. I have music on the soften the noise of talking around me, in this packed room. I am staying here till I get a lot accomplished.

I feel that it is hard to be disciplined in school work. I like to do detail work, lots of little assignments versus a few big ones. Maybe I should just break it down into small pieces to trick my brain! I started with a list to see what is ahead of me. Today needs to be the day. Balance and to be present. What a struggle. I love to learn new things and that’s why I am here, discipline in life and proactivity and intention is another story. I guess that’s where my compass comes in. I get done what I set out to do, when I set out to do it. What a privilege that is. I just need to not dilly dally. I need to make many right decisions over and over or else something in my schedule doesn’t get done, sometimes house work or family. I haven’t had to learn discipline from many places that come from other places than in my own head and agenda. School and Toastmasters has been a tester of that.

Teachers need to set us straight. Someone next to me wants to get his Rough Draft proofread but he turned in his final draft already. Time management and organization is an important element of life. We need someone to get us on the right track. The teacher wouldn’t do proofread it.

As I sit here, getting ready to write and be inspired, I realized that staying in it on a regular basis keeps things fresh in our minds. Our minds easily get distracted and needs reminding. Blogging daily would help or reading daily. Keeps our minds active.

I am in school because I have chosen to be. God give me wisdom in decision making for my life. Michael is gracious to not have me work right now. I can’t believe it has been 15 months. I wish growth was faster. I guess it can be if things are condensed into less time. Help me to tighten things up a bit. Having a clear focus helps, because then you can narrow things down easier and get somewhere faster. Like today, when I was walking with Barb at Peters Canyon, we didn’t have a map and didn’t know the best way back to the car. So we took the long way, took a scenic route, and hit a dead end. A clear map of our journey with destinations would have helped us get to the goal faster. It can be an analogy of life, that life can be harder and more time consuming then needed because we didn’t have a road map or even a clear destination. God, give me a clear mind to what direction you want me to go. I have done some amazing things, but will you give me a clear goal to reach? I believe you work through all things I do, but it would be nice to have a clear focus.

I am feeling so many things, that make my heart leap. Cultures, learning about people, ESL, connecting people, helping others experience new things, learning new things in general, I enjoy being with people more, being honest about myself, being around people that like to learn, being around children in small groups, nature, reflection, silence, being at IVC and Toastmasters, speaking, serving, hospitality, talking about my walk with Christ with others, meeting new people, eating well, exercising outside, movie soundtracks, good movies, going fun places with the family, or kids one on one, having happy hour with others, creating a space for others to relax and be together, connecting like minded people, serving in such a way that I don’t have myself on the radar, details, doing lots of little jobs, yardwork outside, lying in the hammock, tedious jobs, doing the mundane over and over, having little kids over, making meals for people, cooking, reading, laying in the pool on a raft, relaxing at the beach, reflecting, hanging out with toddlers, reading to toddlers, learning to be expressive.

I have a reading to do at Toastmasters tomorrow and papers to write. So long for now.

Leadership

Well, you know I am President of our Toastmasters group. It has some new feelings attached. One being, one i rec'd just now. I asked a guy to make a flyer for our group, stating times, etc for a conference insert. Now, a few times, he asks me permission to delay the proof sending to me. He is still working on it. It feels strange for someone to ask me "Is it okay if i do such and such?" Not bad, but new. I guess because i have been such a follower in my life, i rarely get the incidence where others are looking to me for direction and deadlines. Also, with this role, i have people let me make the final decision, the buck stops with me. They give me ideas and then let me choose. I guess i have had this experience in my family some what, but not with other adults. Do others really look to me for direction and actually trust my decision, outside my home? I guess people do look to me but i don't feel like "the" leader, but one of them. But being President, people put you on the pedestal. Now i understand, that in Toastmasters, others desire for me to learn leadership in this role, so they purposely give me the last say. But i have others calling me for all things, when they could call the appropriate person that handles that other stuff. So, i empower them to call the right person, so i don't do someone else's role and it gives them something to learn as well. Having others respect me for what i do and for who i am, is an interesting feeling. At Toastmasters, I have "business" people respecting me and treating me as a leader. I guess that officially makes me feel like a leader, when people follow you. Now i just need to tell my mind that i can be a good one and i am one now.

Tuesdays

11-2-10

Tuesdays are typically difficult to get out of bed, but all the things I do on Tuesdays, create character in me. First, I have Toastmasters, in which I am the President of, English as a Second Language class, in which I am a helper teacher and helper in general. Thirdly, today at least, I am writing for my Writing class. So, here I sit in the Writing Center at school, working in getting in a writing mood and mindset. Then as I am getting going, a professor tells me not to string my cord across the tables and move. Ah! Yesterday someone told me to move also, at the aquarium, I was in his way. Okay, back to writing about my morning. Michael mentioned to me that if I write more often, it will become easier for me to organize my thoughts and get more practice. I notice that about Toastmasters as well. As President, I have more opportunities to get in front of others, speaking and feeling comfortable ad- libbing. It has done that. I do feel that I am too serious sometimes but everyone seems to think that I am doing a fine job. That’s good. I guess I am just to be myself.

I realized today that as I was sitting in ESL, that I enjoy being with people who like to learn. I like to listen to them and learn from them. I learned a few things from the lady that was sitting next to me about how it is to come to America and understand the culture. In Toastmasters, ESL and at IVC, I am around people that either like to learn or are learning. The atmosphere is lively and exciting. I think of those in the ESL class and how hard it has been for them to learn English. I am in an advanced class and as I think of how far they have come, I am encouraged to keep learning myself. Learning is difficult and slow most of the time. One step at a time. So today, I was encouraged to come to the Writing Center and go write and learn. Maybe that’s why I liked Arbonne people. Because everyone there is learning something.

I like to learn and help people learn. I have thought of wanting to become an ESL teacher. I enjoy teaching others the basics and repetition doesn’t bother me. I love ESL’ers questions. They are always honest, cute, meaningful and very individual to the person’s mindset and culture. Thru them, I see a little window of their heart, mind and soul.

I have enjoyed being President this term. It has taught me some leadership skills and how to be in front of people more often. I am less nervous, but I still shake. At least I sleep better the night before. But lets see how I do before my next speech.

I have been doing better, organizing my days. It in turn, gives me more opportunities to be present where I am. I don’t stress, that I have to do such and such. I have chosen a time to do it and that’s that. The only trick is that I actually do what I set out to do and keep my goal. Or else, I need to cram on another day to catch up. Kinda like today. But it is more empowering. Covey knows what they are talking about. I need to be faithful in scheduling in time with Kyle and “chill” time. It can empower in me energy to do what I need to do.

I am finding I want more time in front of people so words come more naturally and spontaneously. So, I signed up to do my Dr. Seuss poem again, more animated, and to do communion again at church.

My dad was a learner, esp. since he received his doctorate in education. I wish I knew what that meant to him and how he used it. I wish he has let us into his life and heart. But that’s for another blog. I can’t learn from him any more, but I can learn from his siblings. Maybe they can let me in on some information of his upbringing.

Miracles

One evening in Ecuador, we were sitting around debriefing our day. Patti Sue, the founder of La Casa de Fe, was there along with Dwight and Tandy, the couple who take care of most of the day to day responsibilites. Patti Sue started discussing an interesting issue. Basically....what are we doing that is by faith, meaning, if it works out, it can only be because God made it happen? Nothing of my efforts. If we are not doing things, outside of our abilities, we will not see God work in miraculous ways.

James talks about faith without works is dead. Abraham was found righteous because of his obedience in offering his son to sacrifice. We need to trust God daily, where we are right now, with things bigger then us. We can't save ourselves, only God can.

She challenged us to ask God for big things, and to live big for God, He will come through. She has 60 kids to care for and thousands of dollars in hospital bills. How can she not get surgery done when it is needed? Can we choose who gets surgery and who doesn't? Who deserves it? All of them.

God, help me to do things in my life, that are larger than me. I want to see you do more wonderful things in my life. Use me too, to be a conduit of your love for others.

Ecuador

Well, i am back from Ecuador for the 5th time. Who would have guessed that? Not me. What did you want me to learn this time? Did you want me to have an "aha" moment or just some little things? So many questions.

I have a few thoughts. One this morning is, simply to be more giving and compassionate to my husband. I realize that I can't do that without some margin in my life and by not filling it up with giving to others. I need to have space to give to anyone. If i am in a hurry, it won't happen. He isn't feeling well, so i need to be more giving to him and not in my own little world. All this, saying, that i need to slow down.

I have also been reading and thinking. I need to be more gentle on myself and not so hurried to do 100 things. But to prioritize and be able to be more gentle but still having goals, etc. Por ejemplo. I said 5 years ago, that i wanted to be fluent in Spanish. Well, that didn't happen quite like i wanted, but......when i was in Ecuador last week, i was able to communicate about most things and i even translated a few times for others. That felt good. So by not beating myself up, i thanked God for the ability i did have for some spanish and that i felt comfortable using it, even if it was wrong. Now, i can rethink my spanish goals and make new choices to improve it.

God, how do you want me to improve it? Open up some opportunities for me to use it. I am planning on going to Tijuana as often as i can, but i need some places here too. Okay, i just emailed my friend using spanish. one step at a time. and i have Rosetta Stone. need to use my compass to have a satisifying week, living and choosing how i spend my time.

I feel that being home, is like a vacation. Being in Ecuador, has an element of "inner uncomfortableness." It might just be that i am away from home. But it could be that i am away from the comforts of home. Solitude, carpet, lots of hot water, my backyard, my stuff. But i have a feeling that living differently, and living and seeing people with unclean homes, dirt floors, tarp walls, humidity, scraping by, people that walk aimlessly (or so it seems), or seeing people live in a town of 3000, in the Amazon Jungle. I guess i think of what little there is to "do." I think that some might spend most of their waking hours, making money to survive, but the mindset of living simply and with out tons of options of what to do or go do, is a different mindset.

I guess that is an example of people who live simply, can be amazing followers of Christ, spend time with family, and don't feel a high need to accomplish Big things. God help me to create a balance in my life, where i can sit at your feet and be content, and be busy and goal oriented and be content. i want to be an Active Contempletive! those 2 things need to go hand in hand, praying while i am serving, and spending time in your Word.

I feel like I am at a plush hotel, with many amenities. So, this is why people want to live in and wanted to create the suburbs. To have a safer, quieter, more comfortable existence. Urban life in an of itself, for the few times, i have been there for a short amt of time, has an element of underlying stressors that are felt. Busyness, noise, lack of greenery (which actually helps in relaxation), lack of safety to walk sometimes, and not being able to talk to others. Remember, that all these are my perceptions, not always being right.

I have been getting up at 6am, each morning lately. Before I left, i wanted to redo my rhythms and getting up early was one of them. I am going to stay in this one. I love the early mornings. i feel more alive and i feel better going to bed early than staying up late. I love the time alone, getting some things done early. I didn't like sleeping in, going to the gym at 9 or 10 and starting the day at 12. Felt bad :) I pray Lord that you will use this morning time for me to spend time wisely.

Today

On my way home from church, there was a gentleman in a wheelchair with a sign in FR. Now, there aren't too many beggers here. So i had a bag of food in my car and made a U turn to give him some lunch. I was in the right hand turn lane, so i was trying to read his sign quickly, which had many colors and words on it. I pulled up, and as the cars piled behind me, i asked him if he wanted some lunch. He was talkative and said he wished i asked him to marry him :). He took the lunch and I usually tell people God bless you, but today i wanted to use God loves you. He said something interesting. He said "I sometimes doubt it but i really know that He does" I find these people i have been running into to be so honest, much more honest quickly, then most people i know. Maybe because they have more time to think about just deep things.

As I pulled away, i noticed i was sweating. I am not sure why. Adrenaline maybe. And then i thought of the book i am reading, "A mile in my shoes, Cultivating compassion" and what is said. Sometimes we rush into "giving" without regard to what they might really be needing at the moment. Without asking the Spirit to guide my actions to what this person needs at the moment. And if I am the one who should meet it. So, i don't know what this man needed, because i couldn't read his sign quickly, but i supposed he needed food.

Next time, i will see what they need before i give, so it isn't intrusive or unusable.